Author: braaaaaaainssss

I don’t remember many details about the original job posting. It was on Student Job Search – a website where students search for jobs. The posting said something like: FISH AND CHIP REVIEWER WANTED – CHRISTCHURCH. It had a number you could dial.

“You’re the first one who’s called,” the voice said. He sounded vaguely Eastern European.

“People are scared of talking on the phone these days,” I said. “It has something to do with 9/11.”

“Really? What else can you tell me about these days?”

I felt this phone interview was already going off the rails. These days? What did it mean? Mentioning 9/11 so early on was a mistake. I searched for something less controversial to say.

“Students here at university are really tall,” I managed. “Some of them are nearly seven-feet.”

“Is this because of 9/11 also?”

“It’s more to do with dairy products, I think. Fonterra etcetera. I don’t think 9/11 is involved at all.”

This seemed to close out the 9/11 talk nicely. I didn’t want him to think I was some kind of loon. I let the silence hang. He needed to be the next to speak. Youtube told me that this was the most powerful move you could do in a job interview. Apparently it also works for dating.

It was more of a stand-off than a wait. I poured myself a cup of coffee from my thermos. I heard clanking on the other end and guessed he was doing the same thing. Had we watched the same youtube video? I thought about starting the crossword.

“I have things for you to investigate,” he said finally. I felt like I had won his respect.

“Ok,” I said. I hoped this was about reviewing fish and chips. I like fish and chips.

“Start with Edgeware Takeaways,” he said.

“Oh thank God,” I said involuntarily.

“You understand its importance, then?”

“Yes,” I said. I had never understood anything less.

“I will send you instructions. Give me your email. You will receive payment on completion.”

I gave him my address.

“You will call me Oskar,” he said. Then he hung up.

His accent fascinated me. The way he said OsKAR in particular. I had grown up in a time when people who spoke like that were the baddies. Bruce Willis was always punching them through windows and strangling them with their own gun straps. Was Oskar a baddie too? It was impossible to say, but I had a vague sense that Bruce Willis is the real baddie these days. I had to give Oskar the benefit of the doubt.

When someone finally answers, I can hardly hear him. The background noise is horrendous, even for a mechanic. It sounds like they’re tossing working helicopters into an industrial blender.

“Hello? Hello? I’m calling about that Saab that got towed to your doorstep on Christmas Day?”

A man’s voice mutters something over the screeching. I take the phone from my ear and try to put him on speaker, but the buttons don’t work because my fingers are so clammy. I may as well be smearing crabsticks on the screen. I raise the phone to my ear and try yelling again.

“The. Saab. How. Fucked. Is. It?”

It’s suddenly quiet on the other end.

“What would you like to order?” He says.

“Ah, I guess that depends what’s wrong with it?” I say.

“What?”

“The. Saab.”

He sighs, and I wait for the bad news like a resigned European car owner. More background noise erupts. It sounds like they’re deep-frying something? Tyres? Is that how you recycle them? Recycling is important.

“Look, you want chips?” I can get you chips,” he says.

I realise I am an idiot.

“Is this Edgeware Takeaway?” I say.

“Yes. You phoned me.”

“Ok. I’ll have one cheeseburger, one fish and half-a-scoop”

“10 minutes, thank you.”

“Ta.”